A solitary winter morning walk

T’was one morning I awoke,

The winter chill set in.

I followed it out onto

Dappled sun drop paths

And found it melting… momentarily.

I ambled on

Drawn in by tranquil air

To find paths leading to nowhere,

Yet I had returned to silence.

Grimey Nails

Digging can be a messy job. Sometimes you barely pick at the soil, one grain at a time and sometimes you find yourself digging harder. On the digging harder days the grime remains in your nails, its difficult to take it out. It sort of assimilates itself into your existence. And soon, you don’t remember what it feels like not having the grime there. There are days when you dig so deep that you chance upon something far below, a little box. Like a dream, you can’t really remember what it is that you have found, just a vague recollection or connection with the box. As you clear the dust off, look beneath its rusty cover, you begin to find your recollections getting lucid. And then it hits you like a tidal wave. You try and come up to breathe but it isn’t easy to fight off and it just pushes you further below. Then eventually over time, you calm down and decide what to do with the box- toss it back into the pit or keep it among the other artifacts you have dug out.

Lessons learnt from an attempt at filmmaking

I had been feeling an urge to create something, to let out certain thoughts and feelings that I tend to keep bottled up inside me. So since I had the time and an idea for a film, I decided to take the plunge and make it. I mean there was nothing to be lost if I made it. At the end of the day I would carry back a sack full of experiences and realize what may have gone wrong and change it the next time I make a film. What I didn’t realize though was that once a film is made, it remains attached to you forever. It becomes a part of your body of work.

Now though this may not necessarily be a bad thing, it depends on how each individual deals with it. I began with feeling major doubts about my film making abilities, am I assertive enough on set, am I articulate enough while explaining to the actors etc. But then I realized I was being too hard on myself. I know where my weaknesses lie and that I need to improve on them but I cant bear to think of giving up on film making because there is always a better place you can get to from where you are.

After clearing those doubts in my head, I began thinking about the scenes that I had shot. The style of shooting, the preparation time I had given myself etc. anyway, here are a few things that I noted and realized that I could have done differently

1. The shots within the house are meant to signify a slow, stagnated life. I thought by keeping the shot absolutely still without any movements, that may increase the monotony and add to the feel. But after watching a few films I feel that maybe slow, rehearsed movements can really give one the same feel as well, without really boring the viewer. As long as the viewer remains engaged in the actions, its fine, the problem arises when he begins to get bored.

2. There were times when I was giving the actor too much leeway. No doubt that he did a brilliant job considering he wasn’t really an actor, but there were moments when I thought let him improvise, it can be more natural. But looking back, I needed to be more assertive about what I wanted. Because it is my film after all.

3. We had no budget on this film. It was a complete home production. Everything from the actors, to the locations, the props were free. My mother and aunt even recreated the rain!! But even though all that was great, I had to make certain compromises. For one, I didn’t have a professional cameraperson who could help with the lighting. Lighting would have added tremendously to the shots inside the house, it would have set the mood for the film for sure. We didn’t record too many sounds either. We should have worked a little harder on that as well. And considering we were all taking turns using the camera, I think there were times where we would forget to fix focus, check white balance etc. it all adds up when you watch the film later on. Secondly it would have been great to have a good tracking device, it would have enhanced the beginning of the film immensely. (we tried using an office chair, a box with wheels, it didn’t work L)

4. The dream sequence turned out to be quite random. I honestly don’t know what it will look like. I hope that it looks ok, but I think I could have spent more time delving into that part of the film. I also didn’t use the old man in the dream sequence at all. Looking back now, maybe it would have added some more depth to it.

But all said and done, I don’t think I would have been able to do this without the constant support of my crew- my dearest friends and my amazing family. It was heartening to see how much they put into it considering most of them haven’t ever done something like this before.

A few years down the line I may look back at the film, criticize it a lot, find faults etc. but the experience, the memories and the learning’s will remain with me forever. At the end of the day, it was an honest attempt to express something. At least I will remember it for that.

Amalgamation of You

A piercing look, imprinted in your mind.
His perfume lingers in the depths of your tangled hair.
A warm glow radiates from your pores into the universe.


Minutes pass..days...weeks....
The once imprinted image merges into a million more
Washed hair smells unlike what you once knew
The remnants are synapses working to convince you of
something so real, so beautiful.
And the ache in your once glowing heart.

Realization

A million rocks splintered,
Littered like stars in the sky

An effervescent river
Her luring, intoxicating deceptive beauty

Dust paths crossing to infinitum
Giant wasp nests...looming high above

Consumed by the vastness of the desert...
The monumental peaks at once silence
Us insignificant beings in the spectrum of existence

Its been a while since my last post. A lot has changed since then. I can see a lot of angst in those posts. I'm happy I've overcome that phase.

I managed to escape the clutches of Bombay, before I got consumed completely. The weird thing is that I do miss the place, but sometimes I wonder whether I'm missing the life in the city or just the fact that I always had something or the other to do. Its strange how when you're busy you're always craving for that time to just be and when you finally have it, you're wondering what to do next. The human mind can never cease to be satisfied, can it?

But i'm glad to be home, finally some good ghar ka khana, time to sit and think, enjoy the weather, read, read and read some more. and yes catch up on the movies, with old friends and other things from the past. Its a good feeling.

The Dreaded Deed

Its a little unnerving how time creeps up on you sometimes. You go through days, floating through them, not realizing how they pass. Then all of a sudden you are hit by the reality that the time has come to do the thing you were dreading for so long. It may break hearts, long lasting relationships and many other things you have worked so hard to put together but at the end of the day you know that you have to go through with the dreaded deed because its for yourself. For your future and for your happiness.

I wish breaking away was easy but maybe they are not because of the weight of the emotions involved. How do you tell some one without hurting them? Making them understand that this is important to you, for your growth.

It's almost been 2 years since I took up this job and it truly has been an enriching experience. My boss is great. Sometimes the depth of his brilliance makes me wonder if I'll ever even go half as close to what he is.

But after 2 years of doing this, I have begun to feel stagnated, like I'm losing my voice and my ability to create on my own. So many factors have added to this. Bombay city being one of the biggest causes. I hate feeling suffocated, disconnected and yet so directly connected with reality. I miss the smell of fresh air, the lack of man-made sounds, the feeling of being free to do what you want. A large part of who I was has been smothered by the city's comforts and consumeristic ways.

I need to find myself again. I want disorder in my life, the option to take this path as opposed to that. To just break away from the system.

I want to be free and hence I have to do this thing i've been dreading for so long.

A moment of solitude amidst the chaos.

the system

Bombay is like a city built to create zombies out of people, on a relentless quest to accumulate more than they have. A place where the disparity between the haves and the have nots couldnt be more obvious.

Yet every single person climbs upwards on the ladder and if you resist you cant remain where you are but fall endlessly to the bottom. So you are forced to become a parasite to the system and once hooked its not easy to get away.

You can see it in the way people move around in this city. Everyones rushing from point A to point B. Not a moment to just breathe in and think about what you are really doing there. It's a mindless existence.

Whats at the end of the ladder anyway? Momentary happiness (maybe)

"Yeh Duniya Agar Mil Bhi Jaaye to Kya Hai", said Guru Dutt in Pyaasa. Where are you left after achieving everything? And at what cost have you achieved those things?

Have we lost the ability to give some space to the simpler things in life? To just feel?

I find myself becoming more and more like plastic. No time for emotional responses, no time to let things sink in. Its just touch and go.

Bombay is sucking the life out of me. I need out.

The eternal search

Over the last couple of years I’ve been on this search. I often don’t know what it is I’m looking for. Sometimes it’s figuring what I’m doing, sometimes an escape route and sometimes a sense of liberation.

It’s a feeling like there’s something incomplete in my life. Something constantly tugging at my mind to come looking for it. It’s like there is something hidden deep within the layers of my mind or my existence but I’m unable to dig it out of there.

I try to comfort myself. I think…. it’s just that time when you are trying to find yourself. You try out new things, most often than not they don’t work and you try again until you find it. I don’t know if I have yet. I don’t think so.

It maybe social conditioning as well. In our highly consumer driven societies, we’re conditioned to always want more than we have. Maybe the same thing has morphed into this search for me.

Or maybe its some unfinished business from my past life. (I really need to learn how to do past life regression)

The funny thing is that I sometimes wish that I could just have some sort of vision or something that will let me know what it is that I’m looking for. It’s like a big surprise that I know is coming but I just cant wait for it and want to know what it is now. Is my whole life going to be like this? It’s a scary thought because off late I rarely find myself being happy.

Or who knows, maybe I’m just wired this way.

And I wonder what will happen when I actually find that thing I’m searching for. Then what? Will I still be unhappy?

They say the grass is greener on the other side. To that someone once said in a movie, “I stay on both sides. That way the grass is always green”

I think it all boils down to the eternal search of happiness.

What is happiness anyway?