The Dreaded Deed

Its a little unnerving how time creeps up on you sometimes. You go through days, floating through them, not realizing how they pass. Then all of a sudden you are hit by the reality that the time has come to do the thing you were dreading for so long. It may break hearts, long lasting relationships and many other things you have worked so hard to put together but at the end of the day you know that you have to go through with the dreaded deed because its for yourself. For your future and for your happiness.

I wish breaking away was easy but maybe they are not because of the weight of the emotions involved. How do you tell some one without hurting them? Making them understand that this is important to you, for your growth.

It's almost been 2 years since I took up this job and it truly has been an enriching experience. My boss is great. Sometimes the depth of his brilliance makes me wonder if I'll ever even go half as close to what he is.

But after 2 years of doing this, I have begun to feel stagnated, like I'm losing my voice and my ability to create on my own. So many factors have added to this. Bombay city being one of the biggest causes. I hate feeling suffocated, disconnected and yet so directly connected with reality. I miss the smell of fresh air, the lack of man-made sounds, the feeling of being free to do what you want. A large part of who I was has been smothered by the city's comforts and consumeristic ways.

I need to find myself again. I want disorder in my life, the option to take this path as opposed to that. To just break away from the system.

I want to be free and hence I have to do this thing i've been dreading for so long.

A moment of solitude amidst the chaos.

the system

Bombay is like a city built to create zombies out of people, on a relentless quest to accumulate more than they have. A place where the disparity between the haves and the have nots couldnt be more obvious.

Yet every single person climbs upwards on the ladder and if you resist you cant remain where you are but fall endlessly to the bottom. So you are forced to become a parasite to the system and once hooked its not easy to get away.

You can see it in the way people move around in this city. Everyones rushing from point A to point B. Not a moment to just breathe in and think about what you are really doing there. It's a mindless existence.

Whats at the end of the ladder anyway? Momentary happiness (maybe)

"Yeh Duniya Agar Mil Bhi Jaaye to Kya Hai", said Guru Dutt in Pyaasa. Where are you left after achieving everything? And at what cost have you achieved those things?

Have we lost the ability to give some space to the simpler things in life? To just feel?

I find myself becoming more and more like plastic. No time for emotional responses, no time to let things sink in. Its just touch and go.

Bombay is sucking the life out of me. I need out.

The eternal search

Over the last couple of years I’ve been on this search. I often don’t know what it is I’m looking for. Sometimes it’s figuring what I’m doing, sometimes an escape route and sometimes a sense of liberation.

It’s a feeling like there’s something incomplete in my life. Something constantly tugging at my mind to come looking for it. It’s like there is something hidden deep within the layers of my mind or my existence but I’m unable to dig it out of there.

I try to comfort myself. I think…. it’s just that time when you are trying to find yourself. You try out new things, most often than not they don’t work and you try again until you find it. I don’t know if I have yet. I don’t think so.

It maybe social conditioning as well. In our highly consumer driven societies, we’re conditioned to always want more than we have. Maybe the same thing has morphed into this search for me.

Or maybe its some unfinished business from my past life. (I really need to learn how to do past life regression)

The funny thing is that I sometimes wish that I could just have some sort of vision or something that will let me know what it is that I’m looking for. It’s like a big surprise that I know is coming but I just cant wait for it and want to know what it is now. Is my whole life going to be like this? It’s a scary thought because off late I rarely find myself being happy.

Or who knows, maybe I’m just wired this way.

And I wonder what will happen when I actually find that thing I’m searching for. Then what? Will I still be unhappy?

They say the grass is greener on the other side. To that someone once said in a movie, “I stay on both sides. That way the grass is always green”

I think it all boils down to the eternal search of happiness.

What is happiness anyway?